Wednesday, May 4, 2011

There's Beauty in the Breakdown

I finally peeled my tush from the couch yesterday.  I went on a long, chilly walk with my little puppy (he's 12 weeks).  And while it was cold and blustery, it was almost cathartic. The fresh air and mild exercise reduced my anxiety and seemed to remove some of the cobwebs I'd been accumulating since Friday.

While walking, my Pandora station switched to the Imogen Heap song "Let Go".   Maybe it was my overly reflective mood, but the lyrics really resonated with me:

So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It was almost a reaffirmation that what I was doing was going to be okay - that I can make it without alcohol as a crutch.  Each layer of each day exposes both hard and wonderful things.  I feel stronger every day, but I also realize so much.  I've realized that I have a million triggers, a million excuses, and that my (highly rational) mind can rationalize my way into ANYTHING.  Its peeling back these layers - putting my former bullshit out there in the glaring, sober, light of day - that makes me realize just how far this disease has really progressed.

I would get so angry whenever anyone (especially my husband) would try to control me (read: my drinking).  I would rant and rave, fight and rebel, and either do what I wanted to do (drink) or acquiesce and end up so resentful that when I would *get to* drink again, I would go balls out and suffer the consequences.  And round and round I would go.  And instead of blaming myself for acting the fool, I'd blame my husband for not letting me drink more often........   Because obviously, if I was *allowed* to go out more, I wouldn't feel the need to go crazy.  HA.

As I said, each layer, each realization, is so terrible, yet so wonderful.  Luckily my husband and friends support me and don't absolutely hate my guts for the stunts I've pulled.  Finally admitting my problem, and being sober these past 5 days, has given me enough clearheaded insight to realize some of these things and to begin to work through them.

There really is beauty in the breakdown.


1 comment:

  1. Your posts are raw and real. Hope you are doing okay. I know it's scary to even contemplate such massive change, ever harder to actually do it. But you deserve a life. Take good care of you.