Saturday, November 12, 2011

When Life Hands You Lemons... try to hold the vodka

I'm so sorry I have been a terrible blogger. I have a tendency go to radio silence when things get tough. As I previously blogged, right around Memorial Day my husband and I found out we were pregnant. We'd been trying for about six months and were thrilled. I felt like I was somehow being rewarded for finally committing to sobriety. It really was amazing to be able to be pregnant and have that added incentive to stay sober. Things were going beautifully...up until about 11.5 weeks. That's when I noticed some bleeding. I went to the doctor because I just knew something was wrong. That day will go down as the single worst day of my life. I found out that I was experiencing a missed miscarriage. There was no heartbeat, and the baby only measured at 8.5 weeks. For some reason I don't understand, my body didn't recognize that the baby died and still acted pregnant. The next day I had a D&C.

My husband and I were devastated... It was a pain I did't think I was capable of. It would have been so easy to fall apart. No one (apart from my husband) would have blamed me for going out and getting shit-wrecked. Part of me wanted to. But another part...a louder, angrier, more stubborn part said I couldn't lose this too. My sobriety and my family are the most important things to me. So, I bought a pack of cigarettes... And smoked them all with my husband. We stood outside, fragile and numb in our grief, and leaned on each other.

**Disclaimer: I don't advocate smoking in any way... But in a way it helped me during a time when I really really wanted a drink.

Since then I've tried to find my new "normal". I really thought I'd be expecting my first baby...and joining that super secret "mom club"...in January. Now I'm trying to take care of my house, husband, and health... Not necessarily in that order. I reached 6 months of sobriety a few weeks ago. I am really proud of that accomplishment, but know its really just another step on a lifelong journey. I still have cravings. I still find myself romanticizing drinking. That's when I realize that I'll never be "cured". I'll never be able to let me guard down. But that's okay... Because I'm worth it. And my husband is worth it... And my future kids are worth it...

Love always,
Hope

3 comments:

  1. So sorry for what you've been through. In the midst of your grief, please take heart in the fact that you are on the right track. You are definitely worth it. Wishing for you the day in the not to distant future that you will have the addition to your family you've been working so hard for!

    Congratulations on 6 months and best wishes on your journey!

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  2. I just found/read your blog. I'm wondering how you are doing. I'm sorry for your loss. This recovery road is a journey. One only we can choose for ourself. I pray you are doing well....and will be blessed with a little one in the near future. Don't give up hope.

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  3. You are a mom. You will always be a mom. Your baby is in heaven. I had a miscarriage 6yrs ago. I still think of my baby. 5yrs ago we adopted two beautiful boys from foster care. They needed parents & we were parents that needed children. I struggle with alcohol from time to time. I recently went on a binge. Hate myself for it.

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