Wednesday, May 4, 2011

There's Beauty in the Breakdown



I finally peeled my tush from the couch yesterday.  I went on a long, chilly walk with my little puppy (he's 12 weeks).  And while it was cold and blustery, it was almost cathartic. The fresh air and mild exercise reduced my anxiety and seemed to remove some of the cobwebs I'd been accumulating since Friday.

While walking, my Pandora station switched to the Imogen Heap song "Let Go".   Maybe it was my overly reflective mood, but the lyrics really resonated with me:

So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go, just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It was almost a reaffirmation that what I was doing was going to be okay - that I can make it without alcohol as a crutch.  Each layer of each day exposes both hard and wonderful things.  I feel stronger every day, but I also realize so much.  I've realized that I have a million triggers, a million excuses, and that my (highly rational) mind can rationalize my way into ANYTHING.  Its peeling back these layers - putting my former bullshit out there in the glaring, sober, light of day - that makes me realize just how far this disease has really progressed.

I would get so angry whenever anyone (especially my husband) would try to control me (read: my drinking).  I would rant and rave, fight and rebel, and either do what I wanted to do (drink) or acquiesce and end up so resentful that when I would *get to* drink again, I would go balls out and suffer the consequences.  And round and round I would go.  And instead of blaming myself for acting the fool, I'd blame my husband for not letting me drink more often........   Because obviously, if I was *allowed* to go out more, I wouldn't feel the need to go crazy.  HA.

As I said, each layer, each realization, is so terrible, yet so wonderful.  Luckily my husband and friends support me and don't absolutely hate my guts for the stunts I've pulled.  Finally admitting my problem, and being sober these past 5 days, has given me enough clearheaded insight to realize some of these things and to begin to work through them.

There really is beauty in the breakdown.

love,
Hope

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A Protective Shell

This isn't my first rodeo.  I've "quit drinking" before.  A few times.  What's different about this time is the terminology.  Before, when things got out of hand, I'd admit that I was a "problem drinker" or that I "drink too much sometimes", or one of my personal favs "I occasionally have alcohol issues".  Each of these labels implies that there is a temporary problem with an eventual fix.

Finally, I'm able to admit that this is not a temporary problem.  There is no fix out there for me that will let me drink again.

So how does this change things?  A million ways...both good and terrifying.  Before, I'd tell people that was just taking a break.  I'd still go out occasionally, but I'd just drink soda water with lime.  I'd sit at a dinner party, and itch for when ever my "time out" would end.  One month, two... Then, I'd reintroduce myself with my old friend, and all would be well.  Until it wasn't.

Now, I know that this isn't just a "time out".  It is a FOREVER thing.  I can't just tough it out for a few months.  I can NEVER drink again.  If I do, I know that it is only a matter of time before the nightmare resumes.  Before something really goes wrong.

This concept scares me so much that I just want to crawl back into bed.  To hide from everything, everyone.  It is a naked anxiety.  Mortifying, terrifying.  Unlike anything else I've experienced.  I'm a housewife, and usually kept pretty busy during the day.  I've barely moved from the couch the last few days.

I realize that I'm putting up a shell, and I also realize that I can't act like this forever.  It's just that I'm only four days in to this....and it is so raw.  I'm hoping to slowly incorporate the world back into my new life as a recovering alcoholic. I'm going to go on a long walk today.  We'll see how that goes.  Its just one foot in front of the other.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Accountability

The reason for this blog.  The only way that I can heal.  The only way I will remember.

Hi, my name is Hope (a pen name for now...), and I'm an alcoholic.  Phew!  Why is it that my heart races, and I become short of breath when I type that?  I know I need to put this down in words, so that three months from now, when I feel "cured" I will remember.  I'll remember that no matter how much I try, how "good" I can be, I CANNOT control my drinking. That if I start again, it will just result in the same spiral...

I know that I'm not a bad person.  I'm just not physically capable of having just one drink. I may keep it to three beers, but I'll want more.  I may go a whole week without drinking, but the then I'll binge and put myself in danger. Not every time, but enough times that I'm scared.  And I know that if I keep drinking, it will just get worse. 

I need to remember two nights ago.  Going over to a girlfriend's house after 6 hours of drinking, making an absolute ass of myself, falling down the porch steps, refusing to go to bed, and taking a cab home in one of her robes because apparently I really was about ready for bed - till I wasn't,  stumbling in to my house, and scaring the shit out of my loving husband.  Oh, and I need to remember the next day: waking up at 12:30 in the afternoon, blowing off my sister-in-law, feeling like dog shit, and eventually puking the evening away.  Yea, that's what alcohol does to me.  Not always, but when is enough enough?

Now.  I'm done.  I can't do this anymore.  I don't want to feel this shame, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing.  I need to take control of my life, and of this addiction.  And I can't do it alone.  I'm hoping that with my husband, my friends, and this blog I will be able to remember why I can't drink. And be able to live a life of recovery and hope.  And what better gift could I possible give myself than that?