I'm so sorry I have been a terrible blogger. I have a tendency go to radio silence when things get tough. As I previously blogged, right around Memorial Day my husband and I found out we were pregnant. We'd been trying for about six months and were thrilled. I felt like I was somehow being rewarded for finally committing to sobriety. It really was amazing to be able to be pregnant and have that added incentive to stay sober. Things were going beautifully...up until about 11.5 weeks. That's when I noticed some bleeding. I went to the doctor because I just knew something was wrong. That day will go down as the single worst day of my life. I found out that I was experiencing a missed miscarriage. There was no heartbeat, and the baby only measured at 8.5 weeks. For some reason I don't understand, my body didn't recognize that the baby died and still acted pregnant. The next day I had a D&C.
My husband and I were devastated... It was a pain I did't think I was capable of. It would have been so easy to fall apart. No one (apart from my husband) would have blamed me for going out and getting shit-wrecked. Part of me wanted to. But another part...a louder, angrier, more stubborn part said I couldn't lose this too. My sobriety and my family are the most important things to me. So, I bought a pack of cigarettes... And smoked them all with my husband. We stood outside, fragile and numb in our grief, and leaned on each other.
**Disclaimer: I don't advocate smoking in any way... But in a way it helped me during a time when I really really wanted a drink.
Since then I've tried to find my new "normal". I really thought I'd be expecting my first baby...and joining that super secret "mom club"...in January. Now I'm trying to take care of my house, husband, and health... Not necessarily in that order. I reached 6 months of sobriety a few weeks ago. I am really proud of that accomplishment, but know its really just another step on a lifelong journey. I still have cravings. I still find myself romanticizing drinking. That's when I realize that I'll never be "cured". I'll never be able to let me guard down. But that's okay... Because I'm worth it. And my husband is worth it... And my future kids are worth it...
Love always,
Hope
